He Shepherds Me
Life’s a little bit of a roller coaster these days for me as a wife and mom. My circumstances are not unique, nor are they a “problem” to be fixed, but certainly I feel the daily battle of choosing to serve myself, or my God, and to either obey my desires or the desires and calling He has set before me. I explained to someone recently that it truly is like living in battle….one day I’m feeling the victory! - the kids and I are dancing around the house, (it might be dirty, but we’re dancing), another day I’m shooting myself in the foot and wounding innocent bystanders, and other days I’m crawling to the goal….crawling…but moving! But I’m never retreating. By God’s grace I’m in , and that’s not changing. I’m choosing everyday to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and am seeking to keep my hands open to what God has.
I’ve been praying for God to give me perspective and I believe He is. It’s difficult when you’re in the trenches to look up and see out. I realize I too easily have blinders on, only seeing the immediate needs of my little ones, or the imminent need of the day or even the emotional longings and frustrations of my own heart. I realize that my heart wants to dwell on the difficulties of the day, instead of the hope and goal of the future. I’m realizing that difficulty, challenge, heart-ache, pain, and struggle do not indicate something is going incredibly wrong, but that life is happening (and for this we have Jesus!). For the longest time I have felt that I needed to be enjoying every single moment of motherhood (as many well-meaning seasoned moms spur us on to do), and I have felt guilty that a good majority of the time raising little ones just doesn’t “feel good”. But I am realizing I’m not supposed to be feeling good all of the time. At least, not the kind of “feeling good” that is self-serving, self-gratifying, convenient and comfortable. This calling is not supposed to serve me and give me what I want or feel I need in every moment. I’m confident that there’s a Spirit-fed well of joy that runs deeper than the surface feel-goodness I so wrongly seek after. And afterall there’s something so much bigger, grander, more magnificent going on that has nothing to do with me anyway. Praise Jesus!
As I pray for wisdom, knowledge and understanding to mother well, God is showing me more of the sin in my heart, and more of His grace and love for me. He is showing me more of Himself, and my need for him. He is showing me the truth of my idols and the things I cling to, to validate myself. Ouch, ouch and ouch. Oh that He would, (gently please!) tear down my asheroths and idols so that I would be ruined by His love…..ruined so that nothing but Him would even threaten to satisfy me! It would be such a lofty plea if not for the promise that He will complete the good work that He began in me some 25 years ago.
So in the middle of this journey I’ve been in the process of reading Shepherding a Child’s Heart, by Ted Tripp. I was hesitant to read another “parenting” book, because let’s face it. I started this mothering journey reading every book I could get my hands on, attempting to apply every method under the sun, and getting frazzled and frustrated beyond belief when my circumstances didn’t fit the nice and tidy contents of the books I was reading. I believe God has brought me a ways from that point. I’ve realized a lot about about myself, about being a mom, and about my kids and my husband, and certainly have seen more glimpses of my heavenly Father. After some encouragement from close friends and family however, and little prodding of the Holy Spirit, I ordered the book and delved right in.
It has been one tall refreshing glass of water I tell you. The book is about speaking to your child’s heart and pointing them toward their need for Jesus - bottom line. In one chapter on examining typical parenting goals, Tripp quotes the first question of the Shorter Chatechism, which answers this question: “What is the chief end of man? Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever”. Tripp goes on to say,
“Is there any other goal that is worthy? Are you willing to start here with your children? You must equip your children to function in a culture that has abandoned the knowledge of God. If you teach them to use their abilities, aptitudes, talents, and intellegince to make ther lives better, without reference to God, you turn them away from God. If your objectives are anything other than ‘Man’s chief end is to glorify God and enjoy him forever’, you teach your children to function in the culture on its terms….....Your child must grow to see that real living is experienced when he stands before God and says, ‘Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you’ (Psalm 73:25). If this is what you want for your children, then you must ensure that the content of everyday life fits this objective.”
And certainly what I’m experiencing is that this starts as He Shepherds my heart. Will everything I do flow from an enternal purpose of bringing Him glory? Will my life be a conduit of His grace so that in making beds, having dance parties, creating projects, staging puppet shows, memorizing Scripture, discipling in love, baking muffins, brushing teeth, and riding in the car, God may be glorified and enjoyed forever. “Lord give us perspective and wisdom to teach our children with the end goal in mind!”
Mysteriously, yet thankfully, while I’m in process, somehow God will still use me to impact my children and point them to Him. My goodness…I don’t have this all figured out or know how He does it, but He’s working. I can’t stop believing that He’s working because it depends on Him and not on me anyway. That is hope that is worth resting in!
So I guess that’s all for my evening ramblings. A heart is a beautiful, but complicated thing!
